Two and a Half Mares
by topgun308
Summary: Ditzy Doo and her daughter Dinky are forced to move in with Ditzy's drinking, play-mare sister, Cloud Kicker, when Ditzy's partner boots her out of home.


**Two and a Half Mares**

_A one-shot by Topgun308_

"So, what do you think?"

"... _Wow_." Cloud Kicker blinked at the rather suggestive article of lingerie that the brown-maned Earth Pony stallion was holding up for her to see. "... It's for you, right?"

"Nah girl, it's for _both_ of us." the stallion chuckled, before turning for the bathroom door behind him, "Don't go away, now."

"Don't worry, there's not enough _blood_ left in my legs to go _anywhere_," Cloud murmured.

Her ear twitched as the phone on the bed-side table started ringing.

After a few moments, it automatically went into voice-mail.

"_Hey, it's Cloud Kicker," _the mare's voice spoke up from the phone, "_Do your thing when you hear the beep_."

_*Beep!*_

"_Listen you lousy twerp!_" a childish voice exclaimed irritably. Upon immediate recognition, Cloud grimaced and bolted to cut off the speakers, but slipped on a piece of clothing left lying on the floor, landing beside the bed with a _thud_.

"_I will __**not**__ be treated like this! Either you call me, or you are going to be very, __**very**__ sorry!_"

A second later, it added in a sweet tone, "_...I love you, Kicky-Pie!_"

_*Beep!*_

"Cloud?" Her companion poked his head out the bathroom door with a frown, "Who was that?"

"Damn… _telemarketers_," Cloud waved a hoof dismissively.

The stallion quirked an eyebrow, unconvinced. "A telemarketer that calls you '_Kicky-Pie_'?"

"Yeah," she shrugged, her brain scrambled for an excuse, "I'm on some _weird list_…"

The stallion glared sternly, still not convinced.

"... Okay, it was another mare I went out with once and… she got a little _clingy_," Cloud confessed with an apologetic shrug.

The stallion smirked in mock horror, "Oh, you are a bad, _bad_ filly!"

"And yet, _you're_ always the one gettin' spanked," Cloud grinned in a goofy fashion.

The stallion simply shook his head with a chuckle and closed the bathroom door again.

Cloud straightened up and turned about to make her bed when the phone started ringing again.

"Ah damnit…"

"_Hey, it's Cloud Kicker. Do your thing when you hear the beep_."

_*Beep!*_

"_Uh, Cloud, i-it's Ditzy, uh... y-your __**sister**_."

'_Nah_,' Cloud shook her head with a dismissive wave and trotted over to the vanity mirror mounted on the wall, inspecting her appearance in the reflection.

"_No big deal, just wanted to touch base," _Ditzy's voice sounded sad and dejected, "_My-my husband threw me out, and I'm kind-of losing the will to __**live**__, so when you get a chance, I'd really love to… oh, I don't know_…"

Against her better judgement, Cloud sighed and picked up the phone. "Uh hey, Ditzy, I'm sorry to hear about that, uh…"

The bathroom door clicked open and Cloud's companion sauntered out, now fully garbed in the sexy lingerie.

"So, where are you gonna go, a hotel, or… _wow_." Cloud's eyes widened at the sight of him, and she nearly lost her train of thought. Her wings unconsciously snapped to a full-mast position in an instant.

"Huh? Well, yeah, I-I guess you _could_... stay here," Cloud struggled to hold her composure as the stallion strutted past, flicking the Pegasus' nose with his tail.

"...Okay, I'll see you when you get here." She placed the phone down. "We better hurry."

Both ponies hurriedly jumped onto the bed, eager to get started with what little time for peace and quiet they had left.

Just as Cloud moved to plant a kiss on the stallion's snout, her ear twitched as the bedroom door clicked open, and a grey coated, blonde-maned faced poked in through the gap, balancing a mobile phone on one hoof.

Cloud glanced over her shoulder with an agitated glare, and Ditzy's slightly-askew gaze scrunched up into an apologetic grimace.

The room settled into an awkward silence, as Cloud's companion glanced between between the two sisters incredulously.

"Oh, is he staying over?" Ditzy asked hesitantly, "'Cause I _may_ have parked behind him…"

...

"Twelve years, and he j-just throws me out!" Ditzy exclaimed, throwing up her hooves in a huff as she hovered around the spacious lounge room. "I mean, what was the _point_ of our wedding vows?! ''Till Death do us part'! Who _died_?! Not _me_! Not _him_!"

Cloud was sitting on the couch, staring at Ditzy suspiciously. "... How did you get in my house?"

"Cloud, the key in the fake rocks only works if it's amongst _other rocks_," Ditzy muttered, "Not-not sitting on your _welcome mat_."

"_Excuse_ me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, then it becomes _impossible_ to find when you're drunk," Cloud grumbled.

"Y-You know, I'm a good wife! I-I'm faithful!" Ditzy continued her rant.

"Is _he_?" Cloud suggested.

"Is he _what_?"

"Faithful!"

"D-Don't be ridiculous! Flash doesn't even _like_ banging!" She fumed, "He kept going _on_ and _on_, 'I'm _suffocating_! I'm _suffocating_!' H-Has anypony ever said that to _you_?"

"Well…_ yeah_," Cloud murmured, "But not a pony who doesn't like _banging_."

"And _Dinky_! This could just _destroy_ Dinks!" Ditzy rubbed her temples.

"'_Dinks_'?" Cloud asked, puzzled.

"My _daughter_," Ditzy frowned.

"Oh, uh, well, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days," Cloud shrugged nonchalantly.

"She's _ten_," the wall-eyed mare said flatly.

Cloud's companion appeared from the bedroom, grabbing his saddlebags as he bee-lined for the door. "Cloud, I'm gonna go."

"Aw no…" Cloud stood up.

"You two need to talk, I'm gonna call you tomorrow," the stallion sighed, "I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife."

"Oh come _on_! You leaving isn't gonna bring 'em back together again!" Cloud pleaded desperately.

"Look, this is just until things settle out, okay?" Ditzy assured her, "A couple of days, _max_. He'll come to his senses."

"Yeah. That's what stallions _do_," Cloud huffed sarcastically. She sighed and shook her head, "Uh, look; you can have the guest room, and I'll grab a couple sheets."

"No, that's okay!" Ditzy said abruptly, "I… brought my own."

Cloud quirked an eyebrow incredulously, "... You brought your own _sheets_?"

"... I like my sheets," Ditzy defended indignantly, "They were made specially-ordered from Rarity, and they're the only sheets I have with a muffin-pattern on them."

Cloud rolled her eyes and turned about to head for her bedroom, "... Okay then, good night."

"No-no, wait, _wait!_" Ditzy blurted, "I-I mean, we _hardly_ ever talk to each other!"

Cloud huffed impatiently, "... Whadda ya wanna talk about, Ditzy?"

"I dunno," she shrugged, "Uh… oh! I was named '_Mailmare of the Year_' by the Ponyville Mail Service!"

The elder sister rolled her eyes indifferently. "... Okay then, goodnight."

"N-No, Cloud, w-what about you?" Ditzy asked, "Uh… what's going on with you?"

"Well Ditzy, there's not much to say," Cloud shrugged, "I make a lotta money for doing very little work, I sleep with beautiful ponies who don't ask about my feelings. I get to fly with the one-and-only _Rainbow Dash_, I live by the riverside, and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a _big_ pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck."

"... Huh," Ditzy blinked flatly, "Okay then, good night Cloud."

"Good night."

The two mares went their separate ways, and disappeared into their respective rooms for the night.

Unbeknown to them, the silhouetted figure of an Earth Pony with a long, straight mane was watching them closely from the window.

In a soft breath, she murmured, "...Good night, Kicky-Pie."

...

Cloud groaned, groggily shuffling about amongst her warm blankets, waking up to a splitting migraine.

Hesitantly, she opened her eyes, blinking to ease her sensitive pupils as they slowly began functioning again.

The first thing she noticed was a figure, standing right in front of her. After a few moments, she realised it was a filly. A Unicorn filly with a light-violet coat; bright, golden eyes brimming with curiosity; and an unkempt mane which was the same sandy-blonde as her mother's. Wrapped around her neck was a red-and-black striped cotton scarf.

"... Boy. Is your eye _red_," the filly blinked innocently.

"You should see it from in here," Cloud grumbled. "What're you doin' here, Dinks?"

"My dad brought me," Dinky shrugged, "Will you take me swimming in the river?"

Cloud grit her teeth and gingerly sat up. "Can we talk about it _after_ my head stops exploding?"

"Why is your head exploding?" Dinky tilted her head.

"Well, I drank a little too much wine last night," Cloud waved a hoof dismissively, shuffling out of bed and across to the dressing drawers.

"If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?" Dinky asked.

"Nobody likes a _wise-ass_, Dinks," Cloud muttered.

"You have to put a bit in the swear jar," Dinky frowned, "You said '_ass_'."

'_Oh Luna, not __**this**__ crap!_' Cloud huffed in agitation.

Spotting a cluster of bit-notes on top of the drawers, she fumbled a note into Dinky's hooves. "I tell ya what, here's _twenty_. That should cover me until lunch."

In the lounge room, Ditzy sat across from a dull-golden-coated Pegasus with an electric-blue mane.

"Now, what I think you need to do, is to make a list," she said gently, "On _one_ side, put what you _don't _like about our marriage, and other side, out what you _do_."

"Ditzy, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start _crying_," Flash Sentry said flatly.

Ditzy blinked. "...Oookay, that would probably go on the _don't_ side…"

"... Why would I lie?! The river is closed today!" Cloud's voice exclaimed as he walked out of his bedroom and down the stairs, followed closely by Dinky.

"For Celestia's sake, Cloud!" Flash grimaced in disgust, "Do y'think you could put some _clothes_ on?!"

"_Look_ at me Flashy, I could barely make it down the stairs!" Cloud gestured to her scruffy, bed-head mane and the ungainly stumble in her step, "Besides, hardly anypony wears clothing at the _best_ of times anyway."

'_Ponyville scum,_' Flash frowned.

'_Canterlot snob_,' Cloud huffed.

"Uh, Cloud? Could you and Dinks uh…" Ditzy gestured to the kitchen.

"Yeah, come on kid, we'll go have breakfast out on the deck," Cloud nodded, glancing back at the filly.

"But I've already _had_ breakfast," she murmured.

"Okay, we'll have lunch."

"But it's not lunchtime."

Cloud grunted irritably, throwing her hooves up in agitation. "Ka-_pow_!"

"That's her head exploding," Dinky nodded sagely, before following her auntie into the kitchen.

"Flash, I can change!" Ditzy pleaded anxiously, once they were out of earshot.

"Oh please, Ditzy," Flash snorted bemusedly, "You are the most _rigid_, _inflexible_, _obsessive_, _anal-retentive_ mare I've ever met! _And_ you keep _breaking_ stuff!"

"... '_Rigid_' and '_inflexible_'?" Ditzy asked flatly, "Don't you think that's a little... _redundant_?"

"... My mom and dad are splitting up," Dinky murmured sadly, as she sat on a wooden chair on the patio. Cloud Kicker sat on the other side of a small coffee table, sipping down a freshly-concocted margarita.

"Yeah, it looks that way," Cloud sighed, "You're _lucky_. When _I _was your age, I could only _dream_ of _my_ parents splitting up."

"Your mom is my grandma," said Dinky.

"Yep," Cloud nodded.

"Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment."

Cloud frowned, but stopped herself from saying anything when she heard the door click open.

"Hey lil' muffin!" Ditzy forced a smile, "Your dad wants to say good-bye."

Dinky stood up and trotted back inside, leaving the two mares on the patio.

"Uh, listen, she doesn't know anything about what's going on, so let's just keep this to ourselves," Ditzy murmured, "Alright?"

"'_Our little secret_'?" Cloud murmured worriedly, "Why is he saying _goodbye_ to her?!"

"Oh uh, well, he's going to be spending the weekend with his brother… in _Las Pegasus_," Ditzy shuffled about, "So... we've decided that Dinky would stay with me."

"With _you_?" Cloud quirked an eyebrow skeptically.

"Well, with _us_," the wall-eyed mare quickly rephrased.

"... So, how'd she end up a Unicorn, anyway? You're both _Pegasi_," Cloud quirked an eyebrow.

"It's because we both have Unicorn in our blood lines, and in a stroke of luck, her genetics matched up to give her a horn instead of wings. I'm pretty sure I've told you this story before," Ditzy huffed, "It's no different from the Cakes, both _Earth Ponies_, having a Pegasus and a Unicorn as their twins."

"I'm hungry!" Dinky said abruptly, having wandered back outside.

"So, is this… gonna be a problem?" Ditzy asked hesitantly.

"..." Cloud stared blankly at the lilac filly next to her.

"..." Dinky's muzzle sported a broad grin.

"... I guess not," Cloud huffed with a frown.

"Thanks," Ditzy bowed. "Oh-uh, hey listen, I gotta call the office. Would you mind making her lunch?"

"..." Dinky was still smiling the same, toothy grin.

"... Sure," Cloud sighed.

"Thanks!" Ditzy beamed, before trotting inside.

"What are you smiling about?" Cloud stood up, glancing flatly at the filly.

"You don't have any food," Dinky grinned.

"Yeah, but I'm not the one who's _hungry_," Cloud snorted, "Who's smiling _now_, shorty?"

...

"You drink milk?" Cloud murmured, pushing the trolley through the refrigerated section at the supermarket.

"Just with cereal," Dinky shrugged.

Cloud grabbed a random carton off the shelf and went to place it in the trolley.

"Not that milk," Dinky stopped her, and pointed at a different carton slightly higher up. "_That_ milk."

Cloud frowned. "...What's the difference?"

"That's Dairy _Farm_," Dinky said indignantly, "We drink Dairy _Barn_."

"Fine," Cloud's eye twitched as she switched the cartons around. "Happy?"

"Why would I be happy?" Dinky asked innocently, "It's just _milk_."

"... Cute," Cloud refrained herself from growling in agitation, "Keep it up, and you'll be _on_ one of the cartons!"

She pushed the trolley into the next aisle with a sigh.

"Okay, cereal!" Cloud gestured to the assorted items on the shelf, "We've got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes and Maple Loops."

"I want Maple Loops!" Dinky grinned, before singing in a sweet voice,

"_It's got oats and corn and wheat! _

_It's the sweetest breakfast treat! _

_It's maple-maple-maaaaaaaaplicious!_"

"You know who wrote that song?" Cloud smirked, "Your Auntie _Cloud Kicker_ wrote that!"

"No lie?" Dinky raised an eyebrow.

"Kid, if I was gonna lie, I'd say I wrote '_At The Gala_', not the _Maple Loops_ song," Cloud snorted.

Cloud suddenly turned her head as an Earth-Pony stallion pushing a trolley passed by them. She mentally wolf-whistled, admiring the view.

"You two are really good together," He smiled.

"Thank you," Cloud grinned.

"So, does your partner sing too?" He asked politely.

"Oh, n-no, I'm not married," She shook her head.

"Oh," the stallion almost seemed disappointed, and continued walking without a second glance. "What a shame."

Cloud blinked incredulously, and turned towards the filly beside her. "... _Wow_. You're even better than a _dog_."

...

"Doctor Bloom? Yeah, my husband and I need to cancel our marriage counselling appointment for this afternoon…" Ditzy murmured sadly, holding the phone to her ear, "Yes, well, something… _came up_... Well… it's-it's kind of _personal_, I mean… Well _yeah_, I know the _point_ of these things is to-"

A loud rapping on the window snapped her from her train of thought. She turned about and spotted a pink-coated, pink-maned Earth Pony mare standing on the patio, waving cheerfully.

"... I've gotta go," Ditzy frowned worriedly, before placing the phone down.

She slowly turned and took a step towards the door. "Um… hello?"

"Is Cloud home?" the mare asked cheerfully.

"Uh, no, I-I'm Cloud's sister," Ditzy opened the door slightly, "Can I help you?"

"Oh hi Cloud's sister! I'm Pinkie Pie!" She grinned broadly, glancing around erratically. "I'm… uh, Cloud's _housekeeper_!"

"So… you're a housekeeper?" Ditzy asked skeptically.

"Housekeeper-slash-actress-slash-party pony," Pinkie shrugged, "I just do this to keep the wolf from the door."

"_Rawr!_" she growled in a childish fashion. "You know what I mean?"

Ditzy blinked perplexedly, before hesitantly stepping aside, "... Uh, s-sure, come on in."

The pink mare stepped towards the center of the room and took a deep breath, "Oh… _yeah_, I can smell her."

The grey Pegasus flinched at her strange behaviour. "... Smell _who_?"

"Your sister. She has a very _musky_ scent," Pinkie murmured.

"... Uh-_huh_," Ditzy frowned worriedly, "Yeah, that's because she's a _mare_, and every few weeks in our lives we… _you know_… go into _heat_ from time-to-time. You _do_ know that, right?"

"Of course, silly!" Pinkie grinned.

"Well uh… I'll just uh... let you get to work," Ditzy turned and walked towards the hallway.

"Wait!" Pinkie abruptly stepped into her personal space and all but shoved her muzzle into Ditzy's chest, taking a deep whiff of her scent, which smelled slightly like the lavender-flavoured perfume she used.

Ditzy flinched awkwardly and took a step back.

"Oh… no, it's okay," Pinkie murmured apologetically, taking a step back.

...

"_It's got oats and corn and wheat! _

_It's the sweetest breakfast treat!" _Dinky sang as she waltzed into the kitchen, while Cloud carried several bags of groceries.

"_It's maple-maple-maaaaaaaapl-_"

"Dinks, sweetie!" Cloud grit her teeth, "Take a break!"

"Hey, what took you so long?" Ditzy wandered into view from the lounge room.

"We stopped for ice cream because I'm a babe magnet," Dinky grinned broadly.

Ditzy glared sternly at Cloud, who just shrugged sheepishly.

Sensing the awkward silence, Dinky darted out of the kitchen. "I've gotta use the bathroom!"

"Why do you assume she learnt that from _me_?" Cloud grinned.

"Because _I_ learned it from you." Ditzy growled.

Cloud just smiled and started unpacking the groceries. Taking a look around, she noticed the tidy condition of the kitchen.

"Hey, thanks for cleaning up, by the way."

"Oh, it wasn't me. Pinkie Pie was here," Ditzy replied off-handedly.

Cloud's face fell into a horrified stare. "Pinkie Pie? You let _Pinkie Pie_ into my house?!"

"... She said she was your maid," Ditzy protested.

Cloud grabbed at the doors of a nearby cabinet and pulled on them with all her might, but they failed to budge an inch.

"Ah hell, she glued the damn cabinets shut again!" she grumbled.

"'Again'?" Ditzy raised an eyebrow. "You've got somepony to _regularly_ come in and glue your cabinets?"

"You've met some of the _whack jobs_ I've gone out with!" Cloud muttered, "It's not _that_ big of a stretch!"

"Oh, so this is _my _fault?!" Ditzy exclaimed.

"Who let her in?!" Cloud snarled, still trying to wrench the cabinets open.

"Oh, you are a deeply disturbed mare, you know that? Come on, come on, move it," Ditzy shoved the mare aside and started pulling on the cabinet handles, propping her hind legs against the bench for leverage.

"Oh, _I'm_ deeply disturbed? Who showed up in the middle of the night with her own _sheets_?!"

"Hey, at least I care what I sleep on!" Ditzy defended bitterly, "Or should I say, _who_ I sleep on!"

"Hey sis, outta the two of us, I'm the _only_ one who's slept with a married stallion recently," Cloud muttered.

"And isn't that something to brag about?" a new voice spoke up.

Both mares abruptly turned about, to see an elderly Unicorn with a similar grey coat colour to them, but with a short, orange, curly mane and tail.

"... Woah!" Ditzy suddenly tore the cabinet handles clean off, and she landed on the floor with a heavy_ thud_.

Cloud just grinned and waved in a cheerfully sarcastic manner. "... Hi Mom!"

...

"Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to hear about your own daughter's divorce on the street?!" the two Pegasus' mother, Cumulus exclaimed anxiously.

"_What_ divorce?" Ditzy frowned, "What _street_?!"

Cloud stared at her mother suspiciously. "... How did you get in my house?"

"You stay outta this! I'm here to help your sister through a very difficult time!" she snapped, before turning to Ditzy. "How could you _do_ this to me?"

"Do _what_?" Ditzy asked incredulously.

"_Now_ when I want to see my granddaughter, I'm going to have to make an appointment with _Flash Sentry_, who, let's face it, was _never_ very warm to me."

"And what if there's another mare there?" she pressed, "Shacking up with him? Have we even stopped to consider_ that_?"

Ditzy blinked, staring off into space in thought.

"I think she's considering it _now_, Mom," Cloud remarked.

"Here's your iced tea, Grandma!" Dinky smiled cheerfully, holding a glass of brown liquid in her magical telekinesis.

"Oh thank you, my little angel!" Cumulus smiled warmly, before stating, "Oh darling, I asked for a _lemon wedge_."

Dinky's smile faltered slightly as she turned back for the kitchen.

"Alright, here's what you're going to do," Cumulus stated, "You and Dinky will come live with me. After all, I'm just _rattling_ around in that big house all by myself."

"Mom, that's very considerate, but as soon as Flash and I work things out, I'm going to be back at my own house," Ditzy nodded determinedly.

"Ugh sweetheart, _grow up_!" Cumulus snorted, rolling her eyes, "But seriously, think about what I said. You're my daughter, and I'll _always_ have room for you at my house… and in my heart."

"I-I love you too, Mom," Ditzy nodded somberly.

Cumulus then turned about to Cloud, who was sitting in her armchair, smiling innocently.

"..."

"..."

"I love you too, Mom," she grinned broadly.

"Too little, too late," the elder mare smirked, shaking her head and walking towards the door.

...

"So… Las Pegasus was good?" Ditzy asked, sitting at the table across from Flash.

She had taken him to a nice little restaurant near the town square, dressed up in the nicest silver dress she could find, while Flash had opted with a simple, modest tuxedo hired from Rarity's Boutique.

"It was fine, Ditzy," He murmured, "I really wanna apologise for putting you through all this. I was _wrong_ to blame you for my unhappiness…"

"No, no, no need to apologise," Ditzy grinned excitedly, "The main thing is that we're _here_ and we're working through our marriage! Uh, you look great, by the way! It must be all the oxygen they pump into the… the casinos."

"Ditzy-" He began, before she inadvertently cut him off.

"A-And you were right! I see now that time apart did us both a _lot_ of good. I know I've grown! I'm _not_ that… _suffocating_ mare you threw out of the house four and a half days ago, let me tell ya that!"

"Ditzy-!" He frowned.

"And Dinky's doing fine! And I know you were concerned about her being around my sister, but it turns out Cloudie's great with kids!"

...

"A'ight, last card, down and dirty," a burly Earth-Pony stallion sporting golden-tinted sunglasses mumbled.

Half a dozen ponies of all sorts sat around Cloud's kitchen table, absorbed in their poker game.

"King's bet," a Pegasus mare spoke up.

"One bit." Another stallion nudged a chip towards the center of the table.

"I'm in."

"In."

"I'll see the bit…" Cloud narrowed her eyes, "...and raise it _five_."

Dinky glanced over Cloud's shoulder at her cards. "... You only raised five bits on _that_?"

"I call!" A pony abruptly threw his cards down.

"Call!" several others shouted in unison.

"... Queens!" Cloud chuckled, "Full of nines!"

The other ponies assembled groaned.

"Hey kid," one of them stared at Dinky, "Don'tcha know what a Full House is?"

"Yeah, and I also know what a _psych-out_ is," Dinky grinned broadly.

"I _love_ this filly!" Cloud giggled, bumping the filly's hoof in a high-five.

...

"... And I think we're gonna look back on this as-as a new beginning for our marriage! A rebirth, a _renaissance_, if you will," Ditzy smiled.

Flash's eye twitched, an exasperated expression on his face.

"Ditzy, I think I'm gay," he suddenly blurted.

"And I… oh," Ditzy's face fell.

An awkward silence settled upon them.

"..."

"... Alright…" she nodded, "We'll make a list. On _one_ side we'll put gay stuff…"

Flash facehoofed.

...

"I'll see you…" the burly stallion narrowed his eyes into a glare, "...and raise you twenty!"

Cloud glanced worriedly over Dinky's shoulder at the cards surrounded by her magical grip. Every other pony present were all standing around the table, having long bowed out of the round. "...I think he's gotcha, pal."

The filly raised her cards in front of her face and whispered into her auntie's ear, "He's _bluffing_. He _always_ pulls his ear when he bluffs."

"How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?" the stallion smirked, absent-mindedly resting the side of his head against his hoof, ever-so-slightly stroking the side of his ear.

Cloud blinked, then grinned. "... Take him down."

"Call you," Dinky smirked.

"... I _hate_ this foal!" the stallion snapped irritably, slapping his cards down on the table and abruptly standing up.

"... What the _hell_ is going on here?!" another voice exclaimed angrily.

Everypony around the table turned about, to see Ditzy standing in the archway separating the kitchen from the living room, with a livid expression on her face. It looked slightly comical at the same time, since her eyes were looking in two different directions.

"... You said 'hell'," Dinky murmured.

"Throw a bit in the pot," Cloud gestured.

"... What?" Ditzy frowned in puzzlement.

"Hey, we _all_ had to," a poker pony muttered morosely.

"Cloud, may I speak with you privately please?" Ditzy hissed through clenched teeth.

Cloud raised her arms and followed the irate mare out onto the deck.

"So who's deal is it?" asked Dinky.

"Dinky, go to bed!" Ditzy growled.

"I'm out!" the filly dropped her cards and was gone in a flash.

"What is _wrong_ with you?! Are you _insane_?" Ditzy seethed, "Do you have _any_ sense of right and wrong?!"

"Probably not, how was dinner?" Cloud asked nonchalantly, leaning on the patio railing.

"How could you put Dinky into a poker game with _grown adults_?!" the younger sister exclaimed.

"I obviously can't be trusted!" Cloud shrugged cooly, "So… how was dinner?"

"I leave you alone with her for just a _couple_ of hours-"

"I'm just gonna keep asking, Ditz," Cloud said sternly.

"Dinner was swell!" Ditzy grinned sarcastically, "We both had the alfalfa picatta and _he's_ _gay_!"

"... Wow. Most Canterlot stallions won't even _touch_ alfalfa," Cloud mused, finding a speck of dirt on her hoof very interesting.

"... Why do I even_ try_ talking with you?!" Ditzy's eye twitched.

"Oh come _on_, I just need you to lighten up a little!" Cloud huffed.

"I don't_ need _to lighten up! The world I live in is dark! Dark and rainy!" Ditzy snarled, "And you're _useless_ in it!"

"Oh really? I wasn't _useless_ when you needed a place to stay!" Cloud muttered.

"Obviously that was a mistake," Ditzy sneered, before briskly trotting past her and back inside.

"Are you _sure?_" Cloud called out after her, "Maybe we should _make a list!_"

...

"Auntie Cloud?" Dinky mumbled, wandering out into the lounge room, where Cloud was quietly tapping at the keys on her piano in the corner. A glance at the clock revealed the time to be around 10 PM.

"What's goin' on? Can't sleep?" Cloud asked gently.

"No… my mom says we're moving to Grandma's tomorrow," Dinky murmured.

"Yeah… that'd keep _me_ up." Cloud remarked dryly, "Well, if it makes you feel any better, you won eighty bits on that last hand!"

"Eighty-_five_," Dinky corrected.

"Eighty. House gets a cut," Cloud smirked.

"I wish _my_ mom was as cool as you," Dinky smiled broadly.

"Hey… don't sell your mom short!" Cloud defended, "She loves you more than _anything_ in the world! You know that, don't you?"

"I guess," Dinky shrugged. "How come _you_ don't have any kids?"

"... I dunno. Maybe because I love _me_ more than anything else in the world," Cloud grinned.

"Auntie Cloud?"

"Yeah?"

"... I don't want to go to Grandma's. I'd rather stay here," the filly shuffled her hoof about on the floor.

"Yeah, well… your mom knows what's best for you," Cloud sighed.

"... Okay. Goodnight Auntie Cloud. I love you."

Cloud's eyes widened as the filly wrapped her arms around her in a tight hug. She struggled not to O-D on the enormous dose of sheer _adorableness_ in the filly's voice, combined with her cute appearance, which made for a lethal combination if weaponized.

"... Yeah… okay," was all she could splutter.

'_I'm gonna get diabetes at this rate!_' she grimaced.

...

"You gotta love a kid like that," Cloud crooned, "I played her '_At the Gala_' and she _still_ liked the Maple Loops song better."

"Kickie, I haven't seen you for two weeks, and you finally have the house back to yourself!" the stallion from a few weeks ago murmured flatly, raising his eyebrow, "Now, do you wanna talk about your _niece_, or do you wanna _bang_?"

"Oh, bang! Definitely bang!" Cloud nodded eagerly.

As the stallion gently guided her down onto the bed, Cloud opened her mouth to speak. "... Let me ask you something."

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever think about having foals?"

The stallion's eyes widened in horror. "Whoa, Cloud! We've got a good thing going! Can't we just leave it at that?"

He abruptly stood up and briskly marched back into the bathroom.

"Wait, where are you going? I thought we were totally gonna bang!" Cloud asked in confusion.

"How am I supposed to bang you when your biological clock is going off?" The stallion exclaimed, "If you're gonna go all _heat phase_ on me… that's just not how I roll, sister!"

"Ugh," she frowned bitterly, laying back on her bed, the romantic mood now ruined for good.

After a few moments, the phone on her bedside table started ringing. She left it to go into voicemail.

"_Hey, it's Cloud Kicker. Do your thing when you hear the beep_."

_*Beep!*_

"_Hi Kickie-Pie! I was just thinking about you and… why we hurt each other so much…_"

Cloud's eyes widened, and she hurriedly reached over and picked it up.

"Pinks. It's me, Kickie-Pie."

"_Cloud?_"

"Yeah, hey, let me ask you a question. I-Is there something inherently wrong with asking a pony you're involved with if they wants foals?"

"_Oh Cloud, we've got a good thing going!_" Pinkie sounded disappointed, "_Why would you wanna mess it up?_"

The line abruptly went dead as Pinkie hung up.

Cloud just blinked incredulously, shaking her head.

...

"Look at you! All grown up and back living with _Mom_!" Cloud grinned, nudging Ditzy's side as they wandered into Cumulus' lounge area. The house itself was quite a large and expansive place, in the middle of the bustling city of Canterlot.

"How good do you feel about yourself right now? On a scale of one to… _two_?" She smirked wryly.

"I'm not back here living with Mom, I'm just… _staying here_ until Flash and I work things out," Ditzy rolled her eyes.

"So… _one_?" Cloud quirked an eyebrow.

"Whadda ya want, Cloud?" Ditzy asked flatly with a frown.

"Well, I've figured you've been here a couple weeks, so you've gotta have _blood_ in your stool by _now_," Cloud snarked. "... So I thought, if you and Dinks wanted to come back to my place for a while… that'd be okay."

Ditzy's ear twitched, and her face distorted into a skeptical frown. "W-wait a minute, are you saying you _want_ me to come back and live with you?"

"Well, truthfully... _no_," Cloud admitted, "I want _Dinky_ to come back and live with me, but I figured you're a packaged deal."

"Thanks, but we're doing just fine here with Mom," Ditzy huffed, sitting down on the divan.

"Oh come on! We can't just let Dinks be exposed to _her_ on an ongoing basis!" Cloud hissed.

"There's no ongoing basis, she's only here on weekends," Ditzy protested.

"That's too much! Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an _hour_!" Cloud exclaimed. "Ditzy, we've _got_ to get her away from her! I mean, look what happened to _us_!"

"And what happened to you?" Cumulus asked politely, standing off to the side.

Cloud's shocked expression forced itself into a wry smile as she waved. "... Hi Mom!"

"Cloud Kicker, you're a _grown mare_," Cumulus tutted, "Perhaps it's time to stop blaming your mother for your own shortcomings?"

She glanced down at her wall-eyed daughter.

"Ditzy, the divan is not for sitting," she snapped, "Cloud, get off the couch."

Both mares grimaced as they stood up straight.

"Auntie Cloud!" Dinky called out gleefully.

"Oh, there's my good filly!" Cumulus smiled, dragging the filly into a tight hug. "And what did I tell you about yelling in the house?"

Dinky's face quickly started turning blue. "Grandma, I'm suffocating!"

"Sound familiar?" Cloud whispered triumphantly into her sister's ear, as Ditzy watched in horror.

"... You're right. This madness must end," she whispered.

"Here… I gotcha your own _key_," Cloud reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a small rock, made of plastic.

Ditzy grinned slightly, accepting the rock with her wing.

...

"I am not comfortable with this! I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car…" Ditzy murmured worriedly as she pushed the trolley through the shopping center.

"You're not waiting in the car! Trust me, this is a great way to meet other ponies!" Cloud grinned.

"I don't wanna meet other ponies, I'm still married!" Ditzy said flatly.

"Come on! Your husband's out meeting other stallions, why shouldn't _you_?!" Cloud urged.

"_It's got oats and corn and wheat!" _Dinky sang, holding a cereal box in her magical grip,

_It's the sweetest breakfast treat! _

_It's maple-maple-maaaaaaaaplicious!_"

"Heh, your daughter is just adorable!" A passing stallion remarked.

"Oh, thank you," Ditzy nodded politely.

"Heh, you and your…" he paused, glancing between the two mares, "... _life partner_ must be so proud."

He continued on without a second thought. Ditzy blinked in confusion.

Cloud abruptly facehoofed, shaking her head and taking over the trolley. "... You're right. Go wait in the car."

Ditzy opened her mouth to protest, but Cloud, Dinky and the trolley were already walking away. She sighed, muttering under her breath as she followed after them.

**The End.**


End file.
